You know...

There was something important that I wanted to blog about. I remembered it whilst lying in bed last night thinking...unfortunately, right now, I don't recall what the hell it was. But it was super importante! Crap. I'll think of it eventually...I hope. gdi. Fuck my life.

So, my week so far...

Has been..well, A good one. I've had a great time so far. Ever since Saturday I've been feeling great. I've had my blah moments, yeah, but most of them have been pretty fuckin sweet. It's weird. Normally I don't have good weeks or even days for that matter, but this, surely, is a once in a life time occurance. ^^

I think it's cause my love life has picked back up a bit and I'm hella excited about it. I mean, it's about fucking time! I've had the biggest lull of my life this past like...month or so, so, now that that lull is over -knocks on wood- I'm really...i dont know. Relieved? Maybe. Who knows? I'm just feelin good. Which is interesting when you think about it. All my friend's love life's died now that mine is picking back up...Hmm. I think this could be considered a sign. >.>

Or something.

Whatever.

Not making sense anymore.

I should go.

I'll keep you posted blog peoples.

ja!

RF2 opening

^^ this is the opening for Rune Factory 2:A Fantasy Harvest Moon. I just got this game Friday and already I'm addicted. By far one of the best HM games I've ever played and I highly recommend it to any HM fans or even those who have never heard of it. Amazing addition to an AWESOME series. <3

Is it...

selfish of me to say I've changed my mind?
That maybe, just maybe, you mean more to me than what I say.
My words have never matched my thoughts.
Or my heart for that matter.
But I'm trying.
I'm working on it.

It's a long and tedious process,
But I am slowly building up whatever it is I need to do...
Whatever it is I need to do.
At this point I'm not sure.
Hopefully though, I will figure that out soon enough.

Is it sad that I feel this way?
Did you know I've never heard you so much as say my name?
I can't even imagine those words coming from your lips
and yet still they haunt me.
How does that even work?

You make me lie.
You make my words lose whatever meaning they once held
You make my heart stop and then start all over again.
I won't say I love you,
Because I don't.
And, if we keep this up,
I never will.
Or maybe I will without meaning to.
Who knows anymore.

I certainly don't.
If I did.
I wouldn't be here.
Sitting alone.
Thinking of you.

You confuse me more than anything else.
I don't know what you want.
I don't know what I want.
I just don't know anymore.

You could tell me.
You should tell me.
But you won't.
That would be too easy.
It would go against all your preset ways.

No.
Instead of making this simple for both of us you'll drag this out,
Run it straight into the ground and still keep going.
I'll keep dancing around.
Trying to please you
even If I know it won't have an effect.
I'll lie to you.
I'll lie to them.
I'll lie to myself.

Yeah. So my socks don't match.
Who cares?
Oh.
That's right.
You do.

Of course you do.
It's the only thing about me you do care about.

Thanks.

Tonight...

Was amazing.

IconForHire played. Awesome band. Best that's ever played at M@TM. No lie. Jenjen, Brookesany, and Steph were all there. So was david, but he wouldn't dance.

After the show we all hung around and talked. I got the bassist for IFH, Josh, to hug Stephanie. I didnt know if she was going to hit me or kiss me. I was scared. But she liked it. And I'm pretty sure he did too. We talked to him for like 30 minutes or so. He wants us to start a girl band called Veggie Force since we (morgan, jenjen, brookesany, and myself) are all veggies.

He also asked me hair tips.

Hair was a big focus of the night.

Jade wants me to be on the lookout for neon green hair dye for him. for some reason, I'M expected to buy it...O.o He's lucky I love him..

Also, I had another Hair Celebrity moment. Some random girl and her bf came up and asked me for a picture of my hair. I was like "sure, whatev" so they took it. It's like the 3rd time that's happened to me. My hair is famous guys. NO LIE.

There was an interesting moment with me and the ever changing Johnathan. I wont go into details, for the sake of integrity (cha right) but I will say it killed my hopes of forgetting about him. -sigh- -ristszzzzz-

Anywhozer.

I think I gave Rollie a bruise. I almost feel bad, but then I think of all the times he's fucked with me and then I don't. He's my buddy and all, but sometimes he can be a real dick. I wonder if it runs in the family...>.>gdi


I think we might all go to the St. Louis show for IFH. that would be sweet. Ill bring John along and force him to...I mean. We'll talk politely in the back seat of jenjen's car and nothing inappropriate will happen. ^-^

shut up.

Anywayz.

Done Blogging. Must Harvest.

~rei out~

To My Sock...

This song made me think of you.

McCruelty? I'm Hatin' It!

A while back I became a member of the Peta 2 street team to support my fuzzy (and sometimes not so fuzzy) friends and those out to make the world a better place for animals everywhere. Well, this afternoon when I check my email, I had something from Peta with the below link to their site page about CAK (Controlled-Atmosphere Killing), poultry suppliers, and the horrid conditions that these poor birds suffer through. Though I already had a basic idea of what went on, I had no clue that things were so bad until I watched the video...I didn't know weather I should hit something, throw up, or cry.

Please, follow the link, watch the video, and help Peta put an end to this cruelty.


http://www.peta.org/cak/



Q.Q

I love chickens! Fucking McDonald's...

Thinking of You

Best song I've heard in a long time. Katy Perry truly is a lovely girl with a lot of talent, despite what others might say.

ALL MY SINGLE LADIES! [translation]

Okay...So...last night, I made a post...that was...well...Stupid. Alcohol tends to make me like that. I get weird and ramble a lot...So, I'm sorry about that. I'm even sorrier to the people at M@TM that had to witness my...over zealous...affections...

Okay, no. I'm an outright whore when I'm drunk. Well, I guess I'm not as bad as I thought. I was able to control myself this time and I didn't do anything too regrettable. I behaved solely for someone that we wont talk about. Which made me proud of myself! ^^

Anyway, somehow I managed to hit a few points with my rants last night, even if no one can understand them, so I will translate them for you so you guys stay updated. ^^

I went alone, again, and had every attention to leave if no one was there. Fortunately, Pete and Ethan were there, so I talked to them most of the night. Matt showed up a bit later, and we hung out for a bit. And it's probably a good thing too, because..well, lets just say the night would have been a waste had he not.

Anyway, John was there, but only for like 5 minutes before he left to go to a v day party and, according to Jade, Get drunk. Which, as far as I knew, John didn't drink. But you never know. He could. Either way, I really cant say anything considering. But I did get to see and talk to john even if it was only for a little bit. So, yeah.

Speaking of Jade. I'm pretty sure I promised to get him drunk...o.O Yeah, i know. But whatever. I think I have to get high with him first though. Which...is...an interesting thought really. Slightly scary. I also offered to beat up his 'girl friend' if she hurt him again. And, hell, I would have said that even without the alcohol. Jade is my buddy. NO ONE gets to hurt him. They hurt him, I hurt them. Simple rule I use with all my friends. For wurd.

Also speaking of Jade. He has now made it his place to know my hair colour at all times...O.o I'm not entirely sure why. But, thats jade for you.

I noticed that most of my post has been about Jade...>.> Hmmm.

Evidentally, under the influence of alcohol, I'm 'wild'. Or so I've been told...>.> Yeah. Well, I could be worse. I HAVE been worse...anyway. At least I'm likable when I'm drunk. which is more than I can say for some people.

Oh, apparently, The reason that John hasnt been going to M@TM as much is because he's been grounded. Partially for his grades, partially for back talking his mom. Rollie told me this. We talked for quite a bit last night...Well, from what I rememeber of last night, anyway.

the main thing I remember is taht I kept taking the cue ball when Ethan and Pete were trying to play pool. I wanted it. SO I kept taking it and throwing it at the table trying to hit the balls...Im not entirely sure why...o.O

My face hurts...I blame Pete. >,<

Anyway. That's what my drunken ramblings from last night were all about. So, again. I'm sorry for my...yeah.

So, I will see you around blog peoples!

Ja!

ALL MY SINGLE LADIES!

I love that song! Its inspiring. Especially on a day such as today. Valentine's day. I hope everyone out there is having a good one, cause I know I'm not.

In fact, right Now. I'm half off my ass. Let me tell you, I've been celebrating. Vodka and fundip powder make a good combo.

Anyway. I went to M@TM. It was pretty sweet. Pete was there and lookin good. Matt was too. Though, his mohawk scaras me. alot. Oh well. I still had fu

Joh n was there though only for a little bot befroe he went to a vday party to get drunk. He looked good and w ehad a moment, but it wasnt very long before he lefted. i think i promised jade I would get hight with him if her got drunk with me. Sweet. I ould love to get drunk with jade. hes a cute little bastard. I adore him. <3

I left when ethna left. i didnt want to be alone.

evidentaly the reason that jogn hadnt been at the ,a;; laetly was because he was grounded. Rollie was only there because he helped woth the badn. it makes me sad

Im never goona get lai d if he keeps ths up.

=fundk my life.

Dress Update: The Basic Idea

HERE ^ is what I'm HOPING my dress looks like. Thats a general thing I got going. It will look similar unless magically I find the 'perfect' dress before I get this one. otherwise, THIS is my dress.

Now, I realize that the picture is shitty, butI did it in like 7 minutes last night while trying to watch HOUSE. Like I said, very basic, genral idea here.

I'll have some strappy black shoes and lots of hot pink and zebra acs. Wh00t! Twill be sexah!

Dress Update:

I think I might have found a dress that works.

Well, at least, it will, once I'm done with it.

Right now it's very simple.

Black, short, kinda looks like a black version of the Marylin Monroe dress, but better.

I will add junk to it. Lace. Lots of lace. And some zebra print fabric and all kinds of crazy. I'll make it hella sexy. WURD.

I guess I can maybe post pictures tonight, when I'm back in my room so that I actually HAVE the pictures, of course. Since, right now, being on the school compy, I haven't got them.

But who knows. I might find a better dress and buy it. I still have several prospects to look through. You never know.

<3

Prom Dress Shopping

sucks.

I've spent the past 2 days looking at dresses for my Jr Prom and, though I have some prospects, I haven't really found anything that 'speaks to me'

Yet.

Eventually (at least i hope) I will find something worth while.

But until then, I'll keep looking.

I'm aiming towards a really simple black dress that I can add to. Like a pair of hella sexy zebra print tights or a bunch of cute bows. Idk.

I'll keep you guys updated.

but, for now.

tata, blog peoples.

Oh Em Gee

I LOVE THIS EPISODE! Its the first ep of Season 4 when Wilson and House have like an all out war over weather or not House Needs a team or not.

You know, Wilson says yes, House says no. Wilson steals House's guitar, House steals Wilson's Patient. Wilson makes a funny noise, House solves a case. Then House eventually decides to hire a team, but he HAS to fuck with Cuddy first, of course.

Its EPIC.

I love Wilson.

He has really prettiful eyes.

But House's, though blue, are HELLA sexy.

<3

Dude.

The guy in this episode of House looks like Cory from Boy Meets World.

Weird.

Blah.

Watching House.

Already seen it.

Bored.

-cry-

The last episode of House was pretty BA. It was the end of Season 3, where House's team quit/got fired. I miss the old team, but the new team has Hot Bi Doctor Girl, AKA Thirteen, AKA Rema Hadley, but I prefer to call her Hot Bi Doctor Girl.

I will miss Chase though. How am I gonna make Slasher jokes if my main Bishie is gone? Q.Q

I love FunDip.

So much.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmm.

HOUSE.

And FunDip.

ooooooh.

House covered in FunDip..?

I'd lick his FunDip Pole. Hell yeah.

A Little Research.

Lies. All of it. And not very good ones at that.

Life Update: [WARNING: EMO rant below]

Life, as of late, has been pretty crazy.

Starting school, changing images, new and old passions igniting, its all been very hectic in Jessica Land.

Given, most of these changes/problems have been self-initiated, but, none-the-less...interesting.

Its funny how much my life has changed in just the past month alone. I've gained and lost friendships. Discovered new hobbies. I've been writing more, drawing/reading less. My observation skills have been revived from the 'sleep' they've been in since my depression took a turn for the worst back last September. And that's not the only thing that rearing its head once more; peeking out of the 'dark abyss' otherwise known as my mind.

I've taken to watching people in a vain attempt to gain insight. Humans, as simple and close minded as they may be, fascinate me lately. It's odd that I separate myself from them, despite the fact that, obviously, I'm not that different. Though, this could be chalked up to the recent isolation I have felt from others. As much as I hate to admit it--for fear of sounding utterly cliche, of course--I feel incredibly alienated from those around me. Who knows why. There are theories, of course. Stupid, unfounded ones to those that sound like they might have come from the mouth of Dr. Phil himself.

Maybe its due to my relationships as of late. I've had some fail, some rekindle. Both for better and for worse. I've been surprised--pleasantly and unpleasantly-- by them. Honestly, I'm hoping for a nice lull in the emotional whirlwind otherwise known as my social life. I both fear and crave change. I hate the idea of the same old same old, but I'm terrified of the great unknown. I guess my life is one big contradiction now a days. I hate it. I want things to go back to the way they were back in Freshman year. Back when life was simple and good. When I could count on my friends and they could count on me. Now I feel like friendship--something I've held impossibly dear for so long--is failing me.

I've no one to confide in. I used to have confidants. Now I've only myself--both to talk to and to blame. I haven't been the best friend. In fact, I'm a down right bitch. And I know this. The people around me know this. Hell, people I don't even know know this. I want to change. But I've never been strong willed when it comes to things like that. I don't have the drive to change. Though I long for it, i fear I will never have it. I'm trying though. It's a slow going process, but its going at least. Give me time. I'll be a better friend. Someone my pals deserve. I promise. My life is a bit fucked right now, but I'll get there.

I hope.

I suppose that one of my main problems was the fact that I got pulled into something I really should have steered clear of. Stupid and juvenile, I know, but, at the time, I didnt care. I was living in a dream that turned into a nightmare. But, I guess, I can thank those who played a significant part in fucking up my Chi. Despite everything, they helped me see a lot of faults. In myself, in others, and in humanity in general. They also gave me a whole new goal in life. One that I will achieve no matter what. It wont be easy, I know, but, I honestly think I can make it. I have to. I wont settle for anything less.

Thanks, Bitches.

I think I want something now, and I know what it is. Problem is, I don't know how to get it. Its like a frightened animal that I want to catch. Wounded and scared, it'll put up quite the struggle, so I have to be extremely carefully and nurturing, but, I've always had a soft spot, so I think that, if I play my cards right, I can capture it and call it my own. At least, that's what I hope for.

Then again, this animal could very well be too much to handle. Cute and cuddly on the outside, but one wrong move could make it vicious and deadly and I could end up getting hurt. Again. And I'm not too sure that I have enough band-aids. But what's life with out a little danger?

I'm setting up my cages and watching them carefully. Lets see what comes of it, shall we?


I had a bit of a mental break down not too long ago. I believe that the whole week leading up to my birthday was like a lit fuse that finally reached the end the day after, when the initial shock wore off. I don't know why it fucked with me so much, turning 17, but it did. Most teens look forward to their birthdays, I was dreading mine. Is it weird that I already feel like I'm out of time? Its like all the things I've ever wanted to accomplish in life went down the drain. I lost hope. I couldn't stand it. I came so close to permanently fucking my life to hell because I got so scared. Fear is more powerful than most people think. It drove me to tears. To blood. To alcohol. Anything I could do to try and escape I went for, but nothing worked. It was still there. Still as horrifying as ever. And I'm still not even sure why.

People tell me I'm being foolish and that my life is just beginning. I wish I felt that way. I wish I felt anyway but this way. I'm so lost and I don't know why or how to find my path again. It's causing me to lose my way and wander deeper into this hell that I've created. I want it to stop. But I cant. And I'm afraid to ask for help because I don't want people to think I'm crying for attention. I'm not. I want to hide. I don't know what I'm doing and I hate not being in control. I want to pretend that everything is fine and go on with my life. But at the same time I'm worried about what will happen if I don't stop it.

God what has happened to me?

This was supposed to be a blog about the new job I might be getting soon and my hair, not some emo rant about how fucked I am in the head. What the hell is going on. This stuff just poured out of me. I cant make it stop. But I have to get it out somehow.

Whatever.

Anyway.

To my friends: I'm sorry. I love you. You have no idea. Wait for me. I'll be better soon. One way or another.

To my Enemies: I'm too tired to care. Like me or not, just stop making me sick. I don't need it. I don't want it. Just leave me alone.

To my family: Give up. I don't believe in giving second chances just because YOU think you deserve them. Its never going to change. I'm onto you. Fuck you all.

To my (imaginary) lover: It sucks doesnt it? I don't understand you. You don't understand me. We probably shouldn't be doing this. But I cant help myself. I'm selfish. I'm needy. And I want to have you.

To everyone else: We're in for a bumpy ride.

So, Jeremy just left...

at like 6:30ish. His mom took forever coming to get him. She like had to shower and junk first and we were like...WTF? But whatever. I'm not complaining. I got to spend extra time with that amazing little gay bastard.

I havent seen him in so long. Not since..what? July? Yeah. Around the end of July. "oh no, we'll hang out like every week and talk all the time!" yeah. LIES. He NEVER has his phone. EVER. He loses it all the fucking time. Sometimes I worry about him. But I am glad i was able to get a hold of hm before my birthday and have him come over. Its been WAY too long. Hopefully, this time, we'll stay connected and hang out more. I love him so fucking much. He's EPIC.

We talked for hours after everyone left. ABout the most random shit...that somehow always got back to Momo's penis. o.O Yeah. Dont ask. I dont know, as much as I'd rather not think about Momo nekkid and sexing it up, I think that Jeremy really needed someone to talk to about it. Surprisingly, Me and Jeremy are like the same person when it comes to a lot of shit. Like Love, sex, and what not. Plus, our pasts are pretty similar, which is something I dont find much.

But my GOD he is SO fucking black! I could barely understand him some times. But I love him anyway; his blackness makes him...HIM.

<3

Sometimes I wonder if they're just playing stupid, or if they really are that clueless.

Jade looked good yesterday. And so did John (who, btw, is talking to me again.). So I'm all kinda happy about that. I guess we'll see where it goes from here. That's really all we can do.

-dance-

Ugh, im so tired. I gotlike 4 hours of sleep last night. Ill prolly turn in right after i post this. I dont really feel up to doing anything else. >.>

-yawn-

I wanna play pokemon. I want a Raltz. DAMN YOU JEREMY.

~rei out~