Life Update: [WARNING: EMO rant below]

Life, as of late, has been pretty crazy.

Starting school, changing images, new and old passions igniting, its all been very hectic in Jessica Land.

Given, most of these changes/problems have been self-initiated, but, none-the-less...interesting.

Its funny how much my life has changed in just the past month alone. I've gained and lost friendships. Discovered new hobbies. I've been writing more, drawing/reading less. My observation skills have been revived from the 'sleep' they've been in since my depression took a turn for the worst back last September. And that's not the only thing that rearing its head once more; peeking out of the 'dark abyss' otherwise known as my mind.

I've taken to watching people in a vain attempt to gain insight. Humans, as simple and close minded as they may be, fascinate me lately. It's odd that I separate myself from them, despite the fact that, obviously, I'm not that different. Though, this could be chalked up to the recent isolation I have felt from others. As much as I hate to admit it--for fear of sounding utterly cliche, of course--I feel incredibly alienated from those around me. Who knows why. There are theories, of course. Stupid, unfounded ones to those that sound like they might have come from the mouth of Dr. Phil himself.

Maybe its due to my relationships as of late. I've had some fail, some rekindle. Both for better and for worse. I've been surprised--pleasantly and unpleasantly-- by them. Honestly, I'm hoping for a nice lull in the emotional whirlwind otherwise known as my social life. I both fear and crave change. I hate the idea of the same old same old, but I'm terrified of the great unknown. I guess my life is one big contradiction now a days. I hate it. I want things to go back to the way they were back in Freshman year. Back when life was simple and good. When I could count on my friends and they could count on me. Now I feel like friendship--something I've held impossibly dear for so long--is failing me.

I've no one to confide in. I used to have confidants. Now I've only myself--both to talk to and to blame. I haven't been the best friend. In fact, I'm a down right bitch. And I know this. The people around me know this. Hell, people I don't even know know this. I want to change. But I've never been strong willed when it comes to things like that. I don't have the drive to change. Though I long for it, i fear I will never have it. I'm trying though. It's a slow going process, but its going at least. Give me time. I'll be a better friend. Someone my pals deserve. I promise. My life is a bit fucked right now, but I'll get there.

I hope.

I suppose that one of my main problems was the fact that I got pulled into something I really should have steered clear of. Stupid and juvenile, I know, but, at the time, I didnt care. I was living in a dream that turned into a nightmare. But, I guess, I can thank those who played a significant part in fucking up my Chi. Despite everything, they helped me see a lot of faults. In myself, in others, and in humanity in general. They also gave me a whole new goal in life. One that I will achieve no matter what. It wont be easy, I know, but, I honestly think I can make it. I have to. I wont settle for anything less.

Thanks, Bitches.

I think I want something now, and I know what it is. Problem is, I don't know how to get it. Its like a frightened animal that I want to catch. Wounded and scared, it'll put up quite the struggle, so I have to be extremely carefully and nurturing, but, I've always had a soft spot, so I think that, if I play my cards right, I can capture it and call it my own. At least, that's what I hope for.

Then again, this animal could very well be too much to handle. Cute and cuddly on the outside, but one wrong move could make it vicious and deadly and I could end up getting hurt. Again. And I'm not too sure that I have enough band-aids. But what's life with out a little danger?

I'm setting up my cages and watching them carefully. Lets see what comes of it, shall we?


I had a bit of a mental break down not too long ago. I believe that the whole week leading up to my birthday was like a lit fuse that finally reached the end the day after, when the initial shock wore off. I don't know why it fucked with me so much, turning 17, but it did. Most teens look forward to their birthdays, I was dreading mine. Is it weird that I already feel like I'm out of time? Its like all the things I've ever wanted to accomplish in life went down the drain. I lost hope. I couldn't stand it. I came so close to permanently fucking my life to hell because I got so scared. Fear is more powerful than most people think. It drove me to tears. To blood. To alcohol. Anything I could do to try and escape I went for, but nothing worked. It was still there. Still as horrifying as ever. And I'm still not even sure why.

People tell me I'm being foolish and that my life is just beginning. I wish I felt that way. I wish I felt anyway but this way. I'm so lost and I don't know why or how to find my path again. It's causing me to lose my way and wander deeper into this hell that I've created. I want it to stop. But I cant. And I'm afraid to ask for help because I don't want people to think I'm crying for attention. I'm not. I want to hide. I don't know what I'm doing and I hate not being in control. I want to pretend that everything is fine and go on with my life. But at the same time I'm worried about what will happen if I don't stop it.

God what has happened to me?

This was supposed to be a blog about the new job I might be getting soon and my hair, not some emo rant about how fucked I am in the head. What the hell is going on. This stuff just poured out of me. I cant make it stop. But I have to get it out somehow.

Whatever.

Anyway.

To my friends: I'm sorry. I love you. You have no idea. Wait for me. I'll be better soon. One way or another.

To my Enemies: I'm too tired to care. Like me or not, just stop making me sick. I don't need it. I don't want it. Just leave me alone.

To my family: Give up. I don't believe in giving second chances just because YOU think you deserve them. Its never going to change. I'm onto you. Fuck you all.

To my (imaginary) lover: It sucks doesnt it? I don't understand you. You don't understand me. We probably shouldn't be doing this. But I cant help myself. I'm selfish. I'm needy. And I want to have you.

To everyone else: We're in for a bumpy ride.